I’m done apologizing.
I don’t even know how many times I’ve been through the cycle: meet new person, lots of excitement, the honeymoon phase, the settling… and then before I know it I’m being told that I’m “too much” of something or “not enough” of something else.
And it doesn’t just happen in relationships either. Work places, friendships, social gatherings… one moment I’m having a grand ol’ time… the next I’m feeling ashamed of who/how I am and telling myself to “tone it down” a notch. Or, in the worst cases, someone is actually literally saying that to me out loud.
I thought I was the problem.
No more.
I am not a problem. If I am “too much” for anyone, then so be it. They don’t have to enjoy my company. I enjoy my own company, and I am not too much for myself. If that means I spend my time alone, then I will have a grand ol’ time by myself, for myself, and with myself.
I’ve learned that there are others like me, who have been told they are “too much” as well. We feel ourselves growing, becoming better, becoming more. We discover our own magic. We are happy, we are excited. We are proud. We try to share that with others… and it’s usually the people we are closest to, that shame us the most. That hurts. Just when we think we will have to deny who we are, shrink to fit… we find each other. Others that are “too much.” We can bond, we can share. Sometimes, we are even “too much” for each other, in our own ways. Yet, at least we can acknowledge that, laugh about it, and enjoy being too much in a world that appreciates too little.
I’ve also learned that there are plenty of people out there that I am not Too Much for… some people can handle Too Much and not be intimidated. Some people can enjoy Too Much and not be overwhelmed. Some people adjust and learn to interact with Too Much in a way that tones Much down without feeling ashamed or wrong. Just like some people can handle Scovilles, some can handle Much.
Normal is a relative term. Don’t let yourself be contained by the experiences of others. Your experiences are your own, just like mine are my own. I’ve seen and done a lot. I enjoyed my “wild” times. They not only helped shape who I am, they ARE who I am. I’ve enjoyed being Much and living life to the fullest. I’m done being ashamed of that. I’m done fitting into a box. I will no longer worry about being “too much” for anyone.
I used to think there was something wrong with me. I used to think I was the problem.
No. more.
