I saved this picture to my phone on November 22nd, 2019…. and told myself that 2020 was going to be an amazing year.
UMMMM…. #sigh.
It started with me cowering in my house, curled up in a ball anywhere that I could. Depressed, lethargic, sad, lonely, unmotivated, you name it… probably the worst seasonal depression I’ve had since my freshman year in college. I’d manage to make it to work, and the kids got fed. I dragged myself out to run with my friends every Saturday, and that was the only physical activity I got. (I normally run 3x/week & go to gym 3x/week, if that tells you anything.) Other than that, I fought a constant urge to just go lay down in bed. My body literally wanted to hibernate, and my brain didn’t want to stop it.
There were weeks that I didn’t even want to go run. Forget it, what’s the point, I would think. Yet I knew that they wouldn’t ask questions, wouldn’t give me funny looks, wouldn’t give me shit for not keeping up or needing to walk. They would let me talk, or let me listen. No matter what, they were just “there” for me, and it felt nice to be able to be down in the dumps and not feel bad about it. At the very least, the fresh air usually felt pretty good, and for once I could enjoy the scenery. (I usually hate winter.)
All this, knowing that I was headed on a kick-ass trip in March: Jamaica, for a week. At least the graphic got that part right: I got to go on the adventure of a lifetime. Jamaica. was. AMAZING. #daydream
Coming home from it was not.
In Jamaica, I *did connect with good people and I *did learn new positive things. Thank goodness … cuz the rest of this year hasn’t been quite what the picture advertised.
I STILL have continued to connect with good people – I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. For everything that has cancelled this year, there has been an opportunity to appreciate the smallest things in its place. My closest circles of friends have continued to gather, to stay connected in whatever way possible.
Those running friends of mine, for instance? We still ran… spaced apart, and drinking our own coffee from home that we brought along, shivering in parking lots afterwards… just to keep some semblance of normal. For us, running kept us sane.
My closest girlfriends got on Zoom calls, just to see n hear each other. Then we’d leave goody baskets for each other on porches, waving from inside the door as they were picked up. Nowadays we do meet up for dinner and drinks here n there, finding whatever place we can that doesn’t require masks… or simple hanging out in our driveways.
NOW…. Here’s what that graphic got 💯 right, and in SPADES even: “And grow strong.”
Fuck.
I’ve been strong my whole damn life. To me, it’s pretty much my norm. But this year? This year turned me into a snivelling hot mess, crying more times in a week than I had in 3 months, wondering WHY?!? over and over again, til I had no more tears and knew I was done cried out.
And what do you do when you’re cried out? You get up, and you keep going.
#nevergiveup was one of my mottos even before this messed up laughing stock of a year went sideways and left all wondering W.T.F?? For a bit there I faltered – both in the seasonal depression and in the covi-thatshallnotbenamed. I was a yoyo-rollercoaster: working from home, working in the office, homeschooling kids, giving up on kids, dragging kids across the finish line of the school year… happy one hour n crying the next. Desperately trying to do as well as others, and also not caring at all if I had my stuff together, cuz overall stuff was just MESSED. UP. Finally… I re-gained my composure and re-established my center.
Now… #nevergiveup is more than a motto. It’s my lifeblood. It serves as a reminder, not only of what I’ve been through (recently, and my entire life), but also of inspiration … and motivation to BE an inspiration for others. Somewhere along the way, my life became a beacon. I didn’t want it to… and yet, I was told time and time again that it was. That *I was. So if I can drag myself up, over and over, and #nevergiveup … so can others. Even if it takes ME telling THEM they CAN, – as many times as necessary. Therefore, that “motto” of “mine” will come to adorn my body in some way, in the near future… but only after I get several other tattoos that are not only longer overdue, but also even more meaningful.
If there’s one thing I’ve gained even more than strength in this crazy buckle-your-seatbelt year, it has been grace.
Grace for my kids. For myself. For others. Grace in a way I never knew before, in both negative and positive ways, in ways I never even imagined. Did we do good enough? As a family, as people, as loved ones trying to not tear each other apart, while holding our own cracked and crumbling pieces…? Pfft, yes, we did good enough. But not “just” good enough. We did DAMN good.
I bonded with my kids. Even as we argued over what homework was done and what wasn’t, we shared more time than we had in years. Ate more meals together. I learned more about them and how they tick. All that helped me give them even more grace than I already was – turns out I really wasn’t giving them much. NOW, I really do. Now, we understand each other better.
Now, we are all stronger, and more graceful. So even though we did get those other things – adventure, connection, learning new positive things – it most DEFINITELY did not come quite as advertised. It is also far from over… So, we will grow even more… and, we will be a-ok. ❤️
EPILOGUE
I ordered this bracelet in Sept of 2019. It’s the “2nd generation” of it… the 1st, which said only GRACE, was in memory of my late grandmother. I started wearing that one at the very end of 2018, as my “word of the year ” for 2019. When my aunt (her daughter) passed away in Aug 2019, I sent it along with her to the other side. It took several weeks before I was emotionally strong enough to order its replacement. This time, I went with Strength & Grace … never knowing just how important those things would be in times ahead. The bracelet itself is labradorite beads: labradorite is a very powerful crystal of transformation (I own several of them). As I wrote this post, I realized how truly important Strength & Grace have come to be for me, and couldn’t help but realize the (not so much) coincidence of the bracelet that I wear… every. day.
My grandmother stays very close to me at all times – some days it tangibly feels like she’s sitting on my shoulder – and even though I really don’t need a bracelet to make me realize that… it sure does help. Very soon I won’t “need” the bracelet (damn skippy I’ll still wear it though!) as GRACE will become a permanent part of my body… and that, will have to be its own post 😉
Stay Tuned.
