Have you ever asked yourself if you’re happy?
Has the answer ever come back… over and over… stronger and stronger… a resounding NO?
Have you ever heard that no, and not really accepted it… pushing forward and through with life… going about your days, ignoring / denying / not accepting it, because listening to that NO – and then DOING something about it – would cause HUGE changes in your life… end life as you know it… turn everything upside down?
I’ve known for a bit now that I was starting the “next phase” of my own personal journey. In the end of 2018 / beginning of 2019, I felt it coming. Like, *tangibly felt it. I knew I was headed into a very intense time. Two months later, my estranged mother reached out to me… and I was completely ready for it. Since then, the challenges have continued, both big and small. Growth has continued, both deep down inside where no one else sees, and the outer layers that are public knowledge. Some of it was expected, some of it was a surprise. In some places I found more support than I thought possible, and other times I found myself utterly & completely unexpectedly alone.
They say that each person’s journey is theirs, and theirs alone. I get it… so much more now that I’ve been journeying, than I ever imagined would actually happen.
When you start talking about certain topics and the person just stares at you like you have 3 heads… or when you try to explain a concept and they stay stuck at the first level, unable to comprehend anything above the basics… or even worse, they don’t even *want *to attempt to understand…
When you feel your energy shifting, but then being around them, shifting back… When you can no longer feel peace in a place you used to call home…
It seemed like the more I “grew”, the more lonely it became. Was I doing something wrong? Was I being too judgemental? Too quick to say, “Never mind, you just don’t understand” …? Could I have explained better? Had more patience?
Then, I found others… people that were also journeying, or even just at peace with themselves, or in a good place overall, or on a similar wavelength. Then for a small bit, it didn’t seem quite so lonely. I didn’t feel like I had 3 heads anymore.
Then again, I would go home… and the heads grew back, and the lonliness returned.
I came to realize I no longer fit in at that table.
And I had to ask the question again: Am I happy? Can I be happy here?
NO.
This time I listened… and I left.
