Author: mammaber1

Have you ever asked yourself if you’re happy?

Has the answer ever come back… over and over… stronger and stronger… a resounding NO?

Have you ever heard that no, and not really accepted it… pushing forward and through with life… going about your days, ignoring / denying / not accepting it, because listening to that NO – and then DOING something about it – would cause HUGE changes in your life… end life as you know it… turn everything upside down?

I’ve known for a bit now that I was starting the “next phase” of my own personal journey. In the end of 2018 / beginning of 2019, I felt it coming. Like, *tangibly felt it. I knew I was headed into a very intense time. Two months later, my estranged mother reached out to me… and I was completely ready for it. Since then, the challenges have continued, both big and small. Growth has continued, both deep down inside where no one else sees, and the outer layers that are public knowledge. Some of it was expected, some of it was a surprise. In some places I found more support than I thought possible, and other times I found myself utterly & completely unexpectedly alone.

They say that each person’s journey is theirs, and theirs alone. I get it… so much more now that I’ve been journeying, than I ever imagined would actually happen.

When you start talking about certain topics and the person just stares at you like you have 3 heads… or when you try to explain a concept and they stay stuck at the first level, unable to comprehend anything above the basics… or even worse, they don’t even *want *to attempt to understand…

When you feel your energy shifting, but then being around them, shifting back… When you can no longer feel peace in a place you used to call home…

It seemed like the more I “grew”, the more lonely it became. Was I doing something wrong? Was I being too judgemental? Too quick to say, “Never mind, you just don’t understand” …? Could I have explained better? Had more patience?

Then, I found others… people that were also journeying, or even just at peace with themselves, or in a good place overall, or on a similar wavelength. Then for a small bit, it didn’t seem quite so lonely. I didn’t feel like I had 3 heads anymore.

Then again, I would go home… and the heads grew back, and the lonliness returned.

I came to realize I no longer fit in at that table.
And I had to ask the question again: Am I happy? Can I be happy here?

NO.

This time I listened… and I left.

This morning I put on makeup and wore my hair down for the first time in about a week. I looked in the mirror and thought, whoa.

Life’s been a bit of a roller coaster. And I didn’t expect this one at all. Usually when I’m busy busy busy, I braid my hair and leave it there. If anything, I take it out only to re-braid it so it’s not falling out and fuzzy.

I recently had highlights put in, and I’m still getting used to them.

I struggle with feeling vain when I look at my reflection and think, ‘wow, I’m beautiful.’

I struggle with feeling like I’m worth much, cuz I really just don’t think I’m worth much.

So this morning when I looked in the mirror, that initial wave of ‘you’re so vain’ washed over me… and then I actually took a minute to LOOK, and see myself from an outside perspective. It was a bit humbling.

I am beautiful.

I’ll work on feeling worthy.

Holy crap, now it’s been a really long time. And an unbelievable amount of bullshit has happened in the past three and a half months. I came back from paradise to a world that was sideways and felt like the Twilight Zone. I went into vacation thinking I was over my struggles from the beginning of the year… and then I was stuck home with kids in a world gone mad and all of the cycles and all of the difficulties started all over again.

For someone who knows how to be positive and have a positive mindset, who knows that your mindset will determine your reality and therefore it’s really in your best interest to to keep your chin up and make the best of any situation… I really fucking struggled. One day I would think I was perfectly fine and I was going to be okay, and then 10 minutes later I was bawling to myself trying to help one of my kids with their homework or simply trying to get my own work done, or … anything!

My introverted people-adverse husband thought I was nuts. #sigh

And here’s what I had to keep telling myself: there is nothing wrong with me.

What I was feeling was completely justified considering the situation. What I was feeling was for me and me alone, and I didn’t need to explain it to anyone. What I was feeling was based on my own personality and my own experiences, which was all based on 40+ years of life. MY life. Not anybody else’s life. Therefore, there was no way that anybody else could tell me that what I was feeling or going through was right or wrong or anything of the kind.

One of my biggest problems is that I kept comparing myself to other people, and how they were coping with the isolation or just the way that the world was being. It seems like several others in my inner circles were doing quite all right, and then that made me feel bad because I wasn’t doing quite all right. So I felt like I had to put on a happy face and do better with it, when really I was struggling and that was just the truth, plain and simple. My truth. Not theirs, not anyone’s. Mine.

So I stopped putting on the happy face. I got done what needed to get done for my kids and for my family. I retreated a bit, because I just didn’t want to deal with it – I didn’t want to deal with anything, I didn’t want to pretend like everything was going to be okay, I didn’t want to pretend like life was grand. Life was anything but grand. Life was fucked up. Life still is fucked up. But at least now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

You see, I’m a finish line chaser. It doesn’t matter if I’m running or doing an obstacle course race, or pushing a deadline at work, or doing a work out that’s a specific amount of time. I am a finish line crosser. I am the type that prefers to get things done. I love to cross items off a to-do list. I love that sense of accomplishment when something is finished. This whole situation… There is no Finish line. We don’t know when it’s going to be over. And for someone like me, that’s a very big problem.

And again I have to remind myself: there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me being that way. It is a part of what makes me who and how I am… and overall, I am a good thing.

Ultimately I think this process started during my seasonal depression. For the first time in many years, learning to embrace that dark side of myself and not fight it was the beginning of telling myself that I am a good thing, and that I am good enough… Even if I’m not always perfect, or I’m not always cheery, or I don’t always do #allthethings . After all, I’ve been doing allthethings for most of my life – something that started when I was just a kid. So it’s kind of been ingrained in me all along. So when I came across something like the seasonal depression, or the struggles with the Twilight Zone of the world, I really felt bad that I couldn’t still do allthethings and get through it. That somehow, having those difficulties made me not okay.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I’m simply shedding another layer, a layer of armor that I have held for too long, and finally coming to terms with the amount of love, light, motion, and energy that I truly hold inside. That, however, is another post entirely. So I’ll stop for now. Tune in soon.

Wow, it’s been a little while. I think about writing often, and there really have been things that I’ve wanted to say and talk about… But right now my life is rolling REALLY well, and that means that I move a lot and I keep going and I keep doing things. I’ve started carving out more time for sleep, reading, and just sitting still – again, that doesn’t leave time for much else. The unfortunate result is that my writing has been put on the back burner. But as I continue to grow in this new year – new in more than one sense of the word – I definitely plan to keep making and carving out time to do some writing here and there… whether it be here to share my lessons and thoughts, or a couple paragraphs in a more fiction type sense. (Which no, I’m not anywhere near considering sharing, just yet.)

I do truly feel like I have been reborn. Most of me is the same as I was before the slump / depression / whatever you want to call it… but some of me is definitely different. First of all, I have a greater and renewed sense of appreciation for those that struggle mentally on a regular basis. I’ve been surrounded by these people for most of my life, whether I knew it or not, and now I treat everybody as if they are going through some sort of struggle and could therefore use a kind word. The amount of support I received while going through my short depression blew me away. And I know now how good it feels when someone just talks to you and tells you that they understand or tells you that they care, or tells you that it’s okay that you are not at your best.

Secondly, that period was very isolating for me. I did reach out to people on occasion, and people did ask me if I was okay along the way… But overall there was definitely a feeling of loneliness. Coming into 2020 I am definitely on a mission to simply *connect* with as many people as I possibly can. Even just talking to strangers and starting up a casual chat in a moment here or there can make a huge difference in a person’s life – not only theirs, but my own as well. The end result is usually a smile on peoples’ faces. In this age of electronics and constant stimulation and always ‘on the go’, it truly feels amazing to take a moment or two, at the least – and sometimes even more time than you had planned – to simply stop and chat with someone. Maybe that person is a stranger, maybe that person is a business associate or a co-worker, maybe that person is the best friend you haven’t talked to in some time – the point is to simply talk to other people without an agenda. To simply CONNECT. Because as much as people can use an encouraging word when they are struggling, they also will benefit from simply talking to another human being on their best day.

Third, I am re-evaluating my approach to having drive versus giving myself grace. I am a type A personality that thrives on competition and striving to be the best. And yet I know that my body and my mind need rest as well, and that I need to not always be so hard on myself, critical or judgemental – especially on the days where I maybe did not do quite as well as I thought I could (no matter what aspect of my life that is in). I definitely still have goals and dreams and plan on kicking ass… but it feels very different now than before. It’s almost as if now I’m both more and less attached to the outcome, because it is so much more about the journey now and keeping myself healthy every step of the way.

I will **always be motivational to the people around me, even if I’m taking an off day or having an off week or not feeling MY best – I will always help push others to be the best that THEY can be. That much I learned, when I tried to step away/ step back. Not being inspirational just didn’t feel right.

Due to that, I’ve been doing some thinking about my “Life Purpose” – and I think that’s probably best left for a separate post. Also, better left until I’ve actually dug into it a bit more – right now I’ve just committed to myself that I will “work on it”.

Overall, life is good – and so much more so because it had been bad. The level of gratitude is REAL in my life right now, and it’s a great place to be. I’m definitely excited about where 2020 will take me – stay tuned! 🙂

Last time I wrote, I was in a first good day after a couple bad days. That lasted a couple days, then I felt myself falling again… in the middle of a tournament weekend, surrounded by people. Shit.

On the way home, the kids were on their electronics, so I put in an earbud n dialed up “Can’t Hurt Me” audio book by David Goggins. I’d been working my way thru it casually, so this was a good time to listen to a chunk. Turns out it was the best thing I could have done for myself 😁

Listening to him always gets me fired up. I know this already. What I didn’t expect was to be completely jolted out of my funk, and a raging fire re-lit under my ass.

That was 3 days ago. I’m still on that high, with renewed determination to stay here and get back to being myself – the overachieving go go go mom who does it all, kicks ass and takes names 🙌

Unfortunately at this moment, it’s bedtime 🤣 I had wanted to write longer, but I really need to lay down. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to write more, and longer, and more “inspirational”, vs just giving an update.

I just wanted to say HI 😁

Oh man. Right here. Where in the world is HERE, right NOW?

I was having good days. Then I had bad days. Today is back to good. Freaking roller coaster. I feel like when I’m in a good day, I need to live it up cuz I have no idea what I’ll wake up like tomorrow.

I even told my husband that. He said I seem happy today, that it’s good I’m doing better. I couldn’t resist, I said, “well, enjoy it, cuz I can’t guarantee I’ll wake up this way.”

#sigh

This all just seems so crazy, given how 2019 was going. Like, holy crap, I accomplished a LOT in 2019. Racing PRs, a solo OCR course, promotions, earning a (mostly) free vacation. Like, blessed beyond blessed, I’m speechless and grateful and then some.

And now, I don’t know if I’m going to wake up wanting anything to do with the world.

What. The. Eff.

One of my favorite TV shows had a line that mentioned feeling like “King Kong on steroids” – lately that’s almost what I feel like, when it’s a good day. World, watch out. I need to do laundry. And work my side hustle. And cook. And clean. And play with the kids….

OMG! Me n Kid #3 had the most awesome nerf war tonight!! 😁

Then…. Screw it. I don’t even want to brush my teeth. Or my hair. Or who gives a crap if the sink – both sinks – is full of dishes or there’s laundry or the bathrooms are dirty or the caged animal’s cage smells from the other side of the room. Cats? Eh, they’re fat. They’ll be fine til morning. To do list? Pffffft. I’d much rather just lay down n go to bed.

Am I manic depressive? Is that what this is like? Is it just seasonal? Is it menopause? Am I just being a baby? Am I overstressed? Burnt out? Just a typical mom of 3 busy kids …??

#sigh

Roller coaster. Stupid crazy roller coaster. N I’m too old for roller coasters anymore. They hurt my back or my neck, & I close my eyes. I can’t get off this one though, so I guess I better just hold on for dear life, right?

That and open my eyes a peek every now and then, otherwise I’d miss the impromptu nerf wars 😉🙏

I went running with my #runnerslife friends today, and it was tough. BUT, I did it. And during a certain stretch, I remember thinking to myself, “If I weren’t already strong, I would’ve quit 5 times by now,” That is, mentally strong. Cuz sure, physically it was tough cuz I’ve been slacking off lately. But it was even more mentally tough, cuz lately I just don’t want to do anything.

I realized though – there is ONE thing I really really REALLY don’t want to do, and that is: quit.

You see, all of this “Seasonal Affective” would be WAY worse if I did quit: that is, if I fighting it completely and really let myself fall into it. I’ve been leaning into it just a bit, taking the “time off” and letting myself check out – but only just a bit. If I really quit fighting it, I’d have gone off the deep end weeks ago.

But I won’t. Not this time… and not the other times either.

This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself on the brink. It’s just the first time I’ve talked about it.

Every time, I realize there’s a voice, a voice way down deep, screaming at the top of her lungs: “DON’T! Don’t you dare give up, don’t you dare give in, this is NOT. YOU.”

And she’s right.

So… here we go. Tomorrow is MY Day 1 of 2020. Time to get back in the saddle, and get back to being me. I don’t pretend it’ll be easy, cuz I know it wont. I’ve got some hella detoxing to do. BUT… I also DO know how amazing it feels to feel badass, and I’m ready to get back to THAT 😁

Honestly, I took this picture and wrote the text of this 4 days ago. I was sitting on the couch and this was right next to me. I knew it was an opportunity to write, to try to explain some of what goes through my head – not only mine, but I’m sure a lot of other people like me. We may never speak these things aloud, but they are there. They drive why we do what we do, and how it feels when we can’t do them.

~~~~~

There’s things, you see. Things everywhere. Little things, out of place, and they drive me crazy. That orange ball? Not supposed to be there. That belongs in the bin in Kid #1’s room. The blue plastic column? That’s a piece from U Build It Monopoly, which is downstairs with all the other board games. The car? Kid #3’s room. The pen? The pen spot in the “junk” drawer in the kitchen. The bear goes into a Xmas decorations, that I put away with the Elf. Gotta dig that out, restore Xmas decoration, and put with the other decorations. There’s all *those to take down/ put away yet. The book is mine, goes upstairs. The candy canes, probably trash.

#sigh

I could do all these things in a matter of 10-15 minutes. *IF* I could stay on task. Likely I’d find other things along the way, and it would take closer to a half hour, and I would accomplish more than just those 6 things. The problem is, I can’t stay on task. There’s 2 reasons for this:
1) I’m a pinball
2) the other people in my house.

I love my kids. I really do. But I never get peace. I don’t often get a CHUNK of time in my house alone, to accomplish a CHUNK of stuff. There’s always somewhere to go, someone to feed, some chore to be done.

So these things sit. And I can feel them – yes, really, I *feel* them. And they drive me crazy.

I’ve tried timeblocking. It worked for a bit. I’m going to try again. I need to be strict, with myself more than anyone. It’s going to take focus. It’s going to take a “no excuses” approach. I don’t know how much sleep I’ll get … and the point is also to take care of myself better. How the ….??

#sigh

So guess what? I decided to pick up my phone and type this out, vs doing anything about those 6 things. Cuz lately, those 6 things feel like 6 million, and it’s exhausting. So even though I can feel them, do I want to do anything about them? HECK. NO.

#sigh

This may look like just a sidewalk to you, but to me, it’s a victory.

Yesterday I didn’t leave the house at all. Well, I lie – I took the trash out to the garage. Once. That was the only time I stepped foot outdoors. I didn’t wash my face; it took me hours to brush or rebraid my hair (and honestly, I don’t even remember if I brushed it, I may have just taken the old braid out n redone it).

I did successfully make both lunch and dinner (vs ordering delivery); that was yesterday’s victory. Played some board games with the kids, visited a lot with my Mom. Otherwise, I successfully avoided the world.

Today, Kid#3 wanted to play outside – he loves snow. Oh boy. (I, by the way, hate snow.) So, I did what any good parent does – I put on my boots and went outside. We played “Snow Adventure” for a little while, which is basically a Nerf gun version of Tag. Once he decided he’d had enough, the kids went inside. I discovered I was liking the fresh air, and the shoveling needed to be finished, so I decided to go ahead and get it done. It doubles as a workout, right?

As I finished, the sun came out for just a moment. I decided it was good I did this, and even if I don’t do anything else today, at least I did this bit and that would be my victory for today. I’m trying to do at least one thing a day, to feel at least a little productive. Never in my life has the idea of just doing one thing in a day seemed so important, or taken so much energy. Usually I accomplish one thing before 6 a.m… Today I slept in till 8, LOL.

Now I’m actually writing this swell sitting outside. My hands are getting cold and the sun has gone away again, but I’ll be able to remember this time outside and it will help me smile throughout the rest of the day. I don’t really know what my moral or point is other than to always be sure you give yourself credit for even the smallest of victories. It may not seem like a lot to anybody else or even to the version of yourself you were yesterday, but giving yourself credit for each small victory *today* can make all the difference *today*… and sometimes that’s all that matters.